| PINK |
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| 08:29pm 11/05/2004 |
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Pink:
You see the world in bright pink. The world is a
happy, happy place! You love all people and
things!! Life is great! You're just like a
happy child. Spread the cheer.
What color do you see the world in?
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| Phenomenal Woman by Maya Angelou |
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| 08:26pm 29/08/2003 |
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mood:  pensive
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"Phenomenal Woman"
Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.
I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.
Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.
Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me. |
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| I'm the MOON |
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| 08:42pm 28/08/2003 |
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mood:  sleepy
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The Moon
Your personality is lunar. You shine when others
share themselves with you, and are lonely when
they are not. Your friends probably perceive
you as aloof, and cast you in the role of wise
counselor. They may be unaware how much they
really mean to you.
What's Your Celestial Personality Type?
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| what a day!?!?!?!?!?! |
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| 05:20pm 27/08/2003 |
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mood:  nervous
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Okay, what a day it's been. the exclamations for crazy and the question marks for confusion and feeling overwhelmed.
i baby-sat for the twins from 8-12. everyone was sick. first, i got a caramel drink from starbuks. then we took the girls and to the doctor. caitlin was put on an antibiotic and so was her son. his real name is john. i like that name sooo much better than *murphy* - YUCK!!!!
then i fed the girls mashed bannanas hmmm on how to spell the fruit? haha caitlin was coughing and she threw up on herself and then i got some on my shirt. it smelled of bannanas and baby vomit not a good mix. she gave me some pics. of the girls - soooo cute!!!!! i really luv the girls.
i had therapy w/ renee. it went okay. i got to bring coconut with me and she talked in her voice. lol coco sat on renee's lap. she seems really happy with her. sometimes i wish i could sit on renee's lap and feel safe like that. oh well, i've gotten a hug from her before and i guess that's all i can really ask for. it/i felt so comfortable. i could've stayed there forever. also, we talked a lot about sex tonight. me feeling like i'm ready but knowing i'm not being worried about to say in diff. situations for ex: what if i the guy is fingering me and in the middle i don't like it. do i stay stop? that would be so embarrassing and i'd feel bad. argh, i need her help. she said we'd continue the conversation next wednesday at 7. i usually see her on monday's, but it is labor day. wednesday is the night before school starts, craziness. anyway, she said not to do anything sexual within the next week. haha even though guys want sex i don't think anyone would want to do it with me anyway. oh man, negative self-talk. think *+* (positive) rachel. haha, yeah right.
okay, i'm leaving in probably 20 minutes for the Y2I dinner which i really don't want to go to. i don't want anyone to say anything about my anxiety ed stuff, and i'm afraid of the questions. plus i have a feeling charlie and kate might be kind of mad at me. then having my mom ask how i feel if they are and stuff, and i don't have that many friend going except maybe samantha and lauren, but they'll probably treat me funny. heather will be there, but i know she's friends with other people. hopefully there will be something in the way of entertainment. maybe a video or lisa will talk. i'm also a little nervous about seeing emily. our convo. today was a kind of funky. oh well, life isn't perfect even though i wish it was. hopefully dinner will be good, catered even. no deli meat. blech. okay, well i really need to go read bc i haven't even started blindness. it's gonna' be like 60-70 pgs. a day to get it done in time. what a day!!!!!!!! ?????? haha, i felt like doing that. i need therapy again. hehe, although i don't tlak about anything anyway. i waited until like 10 mins. before the session ended to talk tonight
~Rachel Tami signing off |
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| dad, YOU SUCK!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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| 01:24pm 26/08/2003 |
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mood:  pissed off
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i'm so fucking pissed off at my dad. he's been making little things into such a big deal, and it's making me so fucking stressed out. he said when he asks me to do something i take it offensively and glare at him when he asks me to clean my room, okay whatever.
so today i realized that i have to go to the dinner tomorrow for Y2I even though i didn't RSVP or anything b/c i can't volunteer on sept. 7 because of the white water rafting trip. i really didn't want to go to the dinner b/c i'll be facing everyone, and i'm afraid people will ask lots of questions and reminisce about the trip that i missed a lot of. i also don't want any of the counselors to mention any of the things that happened anxiety, ed stuff, b/c my parents don't really know, unless lisa told them and i just don't know. b/c my dad said he knew stuff, but i didn't ask what. so, the dinner is like a parent child thing, and lisa asked me who i was bringing and i said that didn't want either of parents to go. she didn't say anything, so i assumed it would be fine, but when i told my dad he got all huffy and told me that a parent has to go with me, b/c everyone else's parents will be there so i chose my mom. i'd prefer her more than my dad, even though i really don't want either of them to go. then i told my dad how he makes things a big deal and that i didn't like talking to him anymore b/c he makes me anxious and stressed and then he started telling me about how i need to clean and follow through w/ it, and my messy bedroom, which is none of his business, and which is really cleaner than most teenagers. def. my room is cleaner than most of my friends, and how i had the whole day to get ready, but i didn't do anything, and i told him i was reading, and he said i had the whole summer to read. fuck you dad!!!!!!!
also, i really want to take voice lessons with diana jacklin. she's amazing, and so many people take with her from CASYC and they're all amazing, well, esp. kristen. he's all like, well you have to pay for half, and you need to get your license or it won't work out, which i'm trying to, and whenever we're in the car together you need to drive *major anxiety* and how he was saying that when i was sick last year and i took voice with suzanne kenney how she was a horrible person b/c she didn't give back the money, who the hell makes a judgement like that. he's like well i talked to her, how do you do that without knowing a person. my dad is such a fucking asshole.
people always say that they love their parents but i'm not sure i do. i feel a lot happier and safer and better with renee or teachers or someone other than my parents. they piss me off esp. my dad. i'm sure i do love them, but right now i don't feel that way. fuck you all, esp. you dad. fuck off and leave me alone. |
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| my friend from down south with the red hair came to visit |
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| 01:13pm 24/08/2003 |
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mood:  tired
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hi. i just woke up.
yesterday i chaperoned a bar-mitzvah and bbsat for nathan w/ vanessa. she slept over last night. we slept in the playroom w/ coconut b/c she was sick, but she cried, so we brought her upstairs to my parents.
last night i got my period, argh. i woke up this morning around 9:40 w/ cramps and a headache. i took my medicine for the first time, and it took the cramps away but not the headache. i fell back asleep from about 10 to 12:56. i feel O.K. now, not 100%.
today, i'm meeting with sandra goldman, goldberg??? at 4 to talk with her about simmons. i have to shower, eat something, and get my "resume" ready. then later i want to try to read a lot of handmaid's tale. i also think we might be going ot woodman's tonight, i hope, b/c it's my dad's last day of vacation. that's it for now. ttys |
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| argh |
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| 09:25pm 19/08/2003 |
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mood: annoyed
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hi. 9:25. i'm trying to get a link into my lj, but i can't. juls, it's the one about the 8 yr. old girl, that's horrible. will you e-mail me, and tell me how to get the link here???
i had such a busy day today. driving lesson at 7:30. sat tutor from 9-10:30. i went out to lunch at friendly's w/ my mom, sister and her friend. i had some french fries, and i felt guilty. anyway, at 2 i had my nails done, at 3:30 i had a doctor's appt. (i'll talk more about that in a minute), and from 5-7 i bbsat the twins.
okay, my doctor's appt. i stopped taking the prozac, and i don't know why. my ed symptoms are starting to come back a little more. i feel guilty and anxious more when i eat, and i'm purging more often than i was a few months ago. my np prescribed me .25 of xanax prn, but it doesn't work. my social worker, renee, wanted me to see a psychopharmacologist. she got one named sandra fritcsh. (i don't know how to spell her last name). she seems nice. she's really direct and keeps things confidential which is cool. she also seems very smart. anyway, she prescribed me 100 mgs. of zoloft. i've heard some not so good things about it though, but she said it would help me w/ some of my symptoms. hopefully she's right!!!!! i start with 25 mgs. for the next 4 days, then 50 mgs. for 4 days, and so on until i reach 100 mgs. i hope i don't get side effects. she said "the most common side effects are no side effects," so that's good. i have to make another appt. w/ her in 3 weeks just to make sure things are going okay. renee introduced us which i thougt was really nice.
tomorrow i'm going on vacation to cape cod w/ my family for 2 nights and 3 days. should be interesting. stress... so much summer reading left. ahhh, i do this every year. "Rachel, don't procrastinate," i say to myself, and what happens??? i'm doomed and stressed!!!! lovely. g/g this was a super long entry. hope i get that link in here soon about the 8 yr. old girl who is portrayed as a sex object. |
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| *blue* |
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| 09:35pm 16/08/2003 |
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Blue: You live through your emotions, intense highs
and lows. Life, for you, is all about love -
giving love, getting love and sharing love.
Honesty is important to you, but sometimes it
is difficult to be honest if you think it may
hurt someone's feelings.
Blue is deflective. You turn attention away from
yourself to others and often neglect your own
needs.
Secret emotions: Suspicion and Sensitivity
What color is your aura?
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| ::sigh:: |
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| 04:09pm 09/08/2003 |
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mood:  discontent
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i went to the ground round for lunch today. i had french onion soup. it was good, but there were too many onions, and the soggy bread made me feel... well, not so good. then i got my bikini and eye brows waxed at 2:15. it wasn't too fun, but i'm happy w/how everything looks. |
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| mom and dad |
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| 10:40pm 08/08/2003 |
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mood:  sad
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i know that presents don't show how much you love someone, but my parent's anniversary was on july 25th, and their anniversary present just came in tonight. when i brought the bag home my mom said that she didn't expect anything, and my dad said that he forgot. it makes me sad that my parents don't think that i love them enough to buy them a simple anniversary present. they always buy me presents on my birthday, and their anniversary is a day to celebrate the love that they share/have for each other. i don't know, that's it i guess. |
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| numb |
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| 06:41pm 08/08/2003 |
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mood: numb
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it is so hard to articulate exactly how/what i am feeling. i know it is not a comfortablefeeling. my core is knotted. like a sailor knot that is impossible to undo. i am not sure what i need to say. i guess that my mom asking me for help, something so simple, got to me.
i'm going out tonight w/ meghan. we're going to the mall. i need/wantto get my eyebrows and bikini waxed before my dr. appt. on monday. |
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rach52886's journal
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